listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
