My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize