Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
