census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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