I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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