at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
