3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
one two three fourrrrnication!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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