I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
