Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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