Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
