I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize