I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
