weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
