If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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