Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
