I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
