Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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