Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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