I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Will exercising make me less horny?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize