That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
