guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
