This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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