at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
