Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Randomize
