Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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