dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
