you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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