You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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