You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
