i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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