i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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