I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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