omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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