Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
