Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
