his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
