I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
