How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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