So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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