If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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