Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
