We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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