tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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