hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
