Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
