we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
