Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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