Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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