just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
whose parrot is this?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
