What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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