When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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