Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
