i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
