and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
