You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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