Don't you send me to vm
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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