He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I fill condoms, not promises.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
