His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize