I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
