Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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