Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
