im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
