doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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