And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
