After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
