there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
